what if ......

往日很抗拒这标题，是害怕揭开那残酷的事实，还是自己忘了到底为什么而执著？当心中存放问号，决定动摇时，我想那是危机的警告。人，总是这样，非要等到碰壁时，才警觉那不好或我根本不需要。如果是为我好，是不是无畏不惧的继续，不是掉以轻心的说了就不了了之？

动摇情绪，我掩饰不了..............

idiot ...

当你以为与世隔绝没了一回事，
那才不简单，人是可耻的！
盲目的不闻不问，直到责骂已太迟
没太多的顾虑也是种愚昧
天真觉得世上有好心人
其实人才不会那么好心肠
结果是自己被人耍的像猴子
有价值时多看你一下，
面目全非再来狠狠地把你甩开

说什么都是多余
就算你以为事隔多时没事了
那才不是，那只是虚伪的面具
到底做什么，说什么都没理由
简单的关心，可以变成致命的伤痕

有种莫名的恨！想狠狠诅咒
可是万万不能，那会造孽
我才不理会到底你干些什么
更加没兴趣猜测到底有否继续跟谁联系
只是如果连句问候都是错
那只能怪是我自找！自取其辱活该！

什么状态..

脑里回荡奇怪的画面
重复再重复的浮现
画面不是眼看到的一切
而是那些陈年往事
或许不该把它牵涉入内
可是却不知觉得连上关系
重叠起来还真的让人觉得恶心....

都怪自己
干嘛要好奇心作祟
现在可好啦！把往事连上！
搞得像朵残花败柳
睡不好，吃不消，多难熬
何必
都怪过目不忘的错“没得救”
多事kepo鸡，现在好啦，自食其果
活该

对不起的定义 .....

掌你一次嘴，对不起
掌你第二次嘴，又是对不起
掌你第三次嘴，还是那句对不起

请你坦诚告诉我，“它”意义何在？
对不起，又能代表些什么？

Dreaming ....

Oh God! When can My dream come true ?

When can I get my ass to the Wonderland - Greece :(.....

When Can I get rid of all this shit and Just get my ass Off :(.....

When will be the day I earn enough penny and start my Euro trip.......

............Speechless...............

11.23.2009...o(>_<)o..

有种感觉是无奈
表面冷静
其实内心彷徨
当发现自己不能主宰
才明白内心是无助
失去很久的感觉再次袭击
不是多心，不是不信任
只是那好奇心作祟
洞悉人心的本性重新显现

这一夜，失眠了
犹豫了自己的决定
泄气的我重复说不许哭
可是那不争气的眼泪一直流
已不想这样来回拉扯
心里的恐惧无人能知悉
本来就爱逃避,这次我可以往哪里去
告诉我平衡点在哪里...............

我是不是应该满足
回忆只不过如此
为了什么我要在乎
不是说好不能哭吗
如果自己承受不住
又何苦继续贪图
潇洒的无止尽的付出
不如这样就结束...

Shout Out Loud

I completed my part




Finally.. I'm released by the PAST!


Thank You ....

Can't Breath....

Feel kinda Blahhhh due to Awful days going on and off. I'm sick with all those decision things, no matter which way i choosed someone get hurt. And seriously I want to run far away from the problem, that's me Slacker style. Create problem , run away while i lost my path; this me selfish me.
I'm type of person that always forget to look over both side, either positve or negative. I don't even have the gut to make choice, so most of the time i'll just look over negative part, end up I din't realize actually the positive part did exist. Heck, thanks to those bad attitude i end up feeling heatic, annoyed so on with pissed........Seriously, I really try hard to chg my bad attitude, yet i think i do not put much effort on it so it still coming back to me Again and again. Cursing myself for being such an idiot and stuborn, I never listen to others just go on by my way. So now i got everything, what a mess for my life, I've no success thing in life, sound pathetic uh **regret·regret**
God! Can you give me a break ? I've enough bad feeling since the moment i choose the damn place! What i want is just a place that i can get a smooth breath, no more burden, no more stress, no more Over whelming days....... So God could you take all this msg and make it come true. I desprately need to get away from those SHIT!......

p/z : I found out something that kinda insulting, i've no idea who's that person talking about yet it kinda catch my attention n stab deeply into my heart. I could feel the pain and now it start bleeding ......NON Stop!!! ...

Arggghhh ... argghhh....arghhh...

shouting from the damn place, i'm covered by mushroom , i'm terribly busy doing nothing. I slept 3am and awake at 1pm, i barely open my eyes b4 12pm. I know i've no right to complaint about this, i should feel thankful that being take care so well. However i feel "arghh...arghh...arghh" terrible!

I'm conscious to know that I shall not get panic @ this moment , although things go wild and my mood gone super duper up and down. This doesn't sound right to me, "miserable life" and i just Hate it ! However thanks for my slumber attitude, I didn't plan well earlier, so now end up going thru all this nightmare days. I feel struggling now, i don't know where to go what i'm doing or even what i can do! Yet, I know studying is important, with a bachelor degree mean nothing in this society. Especially with the god damn bad economic things gone worst than what i expected, on the other hand $$ always the issue that pulling ppl on and off, it even make my dream fade so far away. My confident start collapsing , everything that should be done never get done. I was super disappointed to myself, I should work harder on my to-do list, I should get rid of my god damn lazyness attitude.

In fact, at this moment i really don't know what i can do. Limited time frame, lot's of thingy need to be settled or solve. Either way i'll step into the deep shit mud, so please tell me WHAT can i do ? ..... Extremely EMO· Cranky·Undecided...@(*_____*)@

p/s : I think i should run far far away, and stay away from people. Things happen with reason, this sounds so right to me. Most important i'm always the main problem, so people don't get near to me....

Slacker To-Do-List

- Get a better Paid job ASAP ( then i can survive till DEC)
- Spent more time to prepare EXAM
- Find a Gd/Cheap/Nicer Apartment for Fall Term
- Maintain my Workout Hrs -48kgs deal ( Hawaii I'm Coming) .....
- Learn how to LISTEN patiently - Digest & Accept
- Love and Be loved :) - Super Tough TASK!
- No more Procrastinate life style
- Sleep earlier/Eat healtier/Stop DAY DREAMING
- Improving my EQ level
- Start the Research thingy


I guess this all the thing i need to complete within 2 months. I really need a boost to help me out! ..(",) ..Just gonna Cross my finger n pray as hard as i could :)..

something i want to Share-*EXCITED feeling* Big Claps for myself - I've completed d mission impossible, although it's freaking EXHAUSTED yet still *drooling* can't believe i did make it happen ! So please wish me luck on my TO-DO-List :) ...hope that there will b another miracle come to ME ..

我说过....

天堂与地狱的差距也只有一线之差
快乐与悲伤也只是瞬间的变化
人因为现实而变得无情
童话里的剧情都化为乌有
我走在那交叉的路口
忘了记忆里熟悉的眼朦
无情的眼神要我放开手
而那时间也不容许我再回头

心酸的感觉在燃烧
无奈在讥笑
原来留下竟是那么难熬
虚伪的话我听太多　不习惯这生活
懦弱的我就是甘愿成为别人口中的某某
之少它是比伪装的作朋友好的多

现在我只想逃 别说什么停留 更别说什么潇洒
我才不是 ，那只是虚伪与做作的假设题
我虽然放了手，不必重蹈复撤陷入漩涡
不会再挽留 　也不许眼泪流
只因我记得那是无法负荷的折磨
所以结束一切，寻找明天的出路与彩虹


后记：脑袋就是这样被那堆坏死的细胞给围绕，写了堆有的没的白痴傻话．那点语无伦次把自己搞得越来越愚笨。算了！这也只是我那无聊的宣泄词！就容许我在次把心中的郁闷给宣发出来 ...

Real SAD....

When the night been too long
Is there any deep thought that make you awake
Sometimes I really wanna says good bye
Eventhough nothing remaining smooth
yet I never put the blame on anyone
I rather keep everything deep inside
Shouldn't feel regret that’s the choice I’ve choosed
So I had to keep all the tear and take the burden by my own
Persuade myself "that’s not a big deal "
That's the routine things I've keep praticing
However, What happen now was way too much
IT already Totally out of my expectation
What i'm going to says is -I couldn’t take it anymore
Because of my coward, my patient, my ignorance
I feel down..i feel upset..i feel lost
In my dream wishing hard hoping much for those shitty feel can slip away
Once again the fact never lie
Looking it over and over those problem always there
It’s still the fact that going over and over again and again
Just I’m the dumb ass that ignore it again and again
Big fall from the hill down to endless road
I vanished my passionate
I couldn’t hold my tears and fears amy longerrrrrr..................................

***END***

IT's the year of OX

Shout out loud~Hey everyone Happy Chinese New YR..
I can't remember how many CNY i've been miss out
how many "ang pau" my Bro or Sis have eat it by themselve ...
Anyway just another CNY that i'm alone @ d god damn cold city

However, even i'm not @ home but stil i'm well prepare for the big day
woke up early ..clean all my stuff, included my lovable car
then START the Reunion dinner preparation WORK
goshhhh.. to my mom---Now i know ..really know how Good you're.......
it's super duper TIRED..for make all those dished done! eventhough just STEAMBOAT
But it killed me badly...." Blushing" u ppl know me well

I RARELY RARELY will step into the Kitchen and make a good look DISHES...
so can you imagine how HARD for me to make all those yucky thing done
Yet....i stil ..stil manage to make it DONE :) happy happy happy....
From my roommate and landlord EXPRESSION....wuuuuu "THUMBS UP"
Cheerzz for ME! AT least this time i make another impossible task to be Possible
Again...have too much food for TONITE.....
Added the calories from d BEER ---I'm super "OVERLOADED"


Okie dokie...time for me to GO! As u know What a PIG usually will DO -Beside EAT then will be SLEEP, i'm just being one of them! so ppl ..ADIOS plus Gd niteeee!

Hope EVERYONE have a wonderful YR......miss uuuuuu pppl alot's alot's alots.......

Damnn...day :(

不知哪来的烂运气
也不懂是哪个可恶的王八
突然发现原来我的爱车早已伤痕累累·啊~
为它感到辛酸，哦我的心还真的痛死了！
缺钱的时候总是会有意外发生
恨透了...

怎么啦·怎么啦
才被刮花，唔不得不信邪
现在又来个Check Engine?
天啊·我真的有那么衰么？

祈求老天给我点运气
恨我的人别再诅咒我了.......

I need my LUCK back! Come back to meeeee :(

Sudden **Feeling**

原来自己很slacking

原来自己真的很执著

原来自己一直很忐忑

原来自己以为的一切都是虚幻

那原来·原来的总总到底去了哪里

那原来·原来属于自己的誓言又在哪里

那原来·原来以为可以成真的梦真的只是虚幻吗？

到底·到底要用多少的勇气才能·才能重新平衡？

到底·到底要用多少的努力才能·才能让自己走的平稳

Arghhh...I feel FRUSTRATED! I feel i'm no longer ME! .....

**Blank** Blah..blah..blah..

I wish that i know NOTHING

I wish that everything was SIMPLE & EASY

I wish that it's not the endless way for ME

I wish that you could hear all my WISH...

忐忑

我会怕
...也会不安...
我会哭
...也会彷徨...

没声音

您的电话暂时无法接通，
.....请稍后再拨.......
呼天喊地都没人听
.....我是真的不习惯寂静

What the heck...

"Excuse Me.....Can someone tell me what's going on out there?"
Mrs A says : i NEED to STEP out "will be back within an HR (normally more than that)
Mr B says : I'm leaving right now, there's an URGENT appointment.(Suddenly lots of file on my DESK)
Mr C din't even EXIST in d OFFICE (Just call in and says"Alex"..this n that..)--Again My name is ALICE...not ALEX okay!! damn it!

****EMPTY OFFICE****
I'm SLACKING
I'm Blogging
I'm listening to my Canon in D =)

**tick tock**tick tock** An Hr gone

Still empty.......

OMG..What kind of COMPANY i'm working for ?
OT no extra PAID...
USE ppl until no limitation uh..
Annual Evaluation just 6% increasement only!
the only word i can see is **STINGY** ....
come along with lot's of lot's of**FIRE***Burning and burning
**Geram**Geram**Geram**I'm so GERAMmmmm
Gosh..I'm going to BURST offfffff! It's out of my limitation

***shouting WHY****Asking WHY****
Booo...Why i Cant get my ASS out of this WORKING ENVIRONMENT...
** Frustrated **again staring my desktop n ask
~~~~~~~~ izzit really no whr for me to RUN ?~~~~~~~~
****Heck****WHO ask *You*..study the WRONG "major"and get into the WRONG "FIELD"..

"Blink·ding" silly things pop out in my mind...@ this moment
I really wished ** I could be RICH!
So I could throw a big Envelope
"YELL out loud" says I QUIT...

Blehhhh.. **Dreaming**mode **Wink for 2 second!
I know it's >____< so hard at this POINT!
However i wish it could be TRUE..
Continute***Stays happily in my DREAMLAND***

Suddenly phone RANG *Sob@Sob@Sob* my dream fade away
**Back to the REAL world**working mode again..
Shit!It's almost 6PM and i need to finish my TASK.. :'(~~~~

shout out post...

Time flies almost a month i've try to isolate myself. In fact i do not feel i'm in the "OK"mode, I still feel so depressed. Already kept myself busy so i could sleep better in every night. Somehow,the feeling of depress killing my soul, maybe i've think too much but i just couldn't get rid of those bad feeling, bad expectation, blar blar blar.**it's really Frustrating**

I could be honest saying that "I did!" I really try my best not to think..Not being bother by those in sight feeling ..However i'm just not good in mentally persuasive myself! I'm over conscious, i think much about fact...and worried about unexpected issue. That's bad! I know i shouldn't act that way, yet i just can't help myself to stop doing that :( God! please take away my emo feeling...I hate going thru all this SHIT!@#$?....

At this moment crossing my fingers,hope that everything will be fine for me. I need my motivation back....So god please Give me some gut and wish me luck :)